Healing (In) The Darkness
by EmelieBane
Summary: Keith had insomnia, Lance has a secret. Keith, when he can't sleep, goes on adventures in the Castle. On his way back from training, he spots Lance trying to quietly sneak about and decides to follow him. What he finds only makes him more confused and he has to wait for Lance to explain. TW: Self-Harm, Depression, description of wounds


Keith knew that driving while impaired was not great. He had been wanting to tell the crew about his insomnia, especially since he was flying a great big metalesque space machine that could probably annihilate a whole planet if it wanted. He hadn't gotten a good night's sleep in, what he guessed, months. He was unsure of the origin; his thoughts were not keeping him up, it wasn't due to illness. Keith had been good physically and mentally lately. From his knowledge, it had not impacted his flying or fighting abilities. The others obviously were not aware of it, as they would have brought it up to him and/or tried to help. Keith didn't know how they would try to help. The others were so preoccupied dealing with their own issues, Keith didn't want to bother them with his inability to sleep; and even if he did want to tell them, he didn't know when a good time would be to tell them.

He wasn't sure what to do with the spare time at first. He tried counting sheep. He tried meditating. He even tried visualization. All of the techniques proved to not work on him. Keith would lie in bed until he eventually dozed off but that became boring after a few days. He explored the castle after that. He found a few cool rooms and nooks. Sometimes he would read in a nook, waking up the next morning and having to hurry to get ready. He found a library. It had physical books, but also had touch screen devices with access to databases from a humongous amount of planets. He started reading books from Earth that were on it. Keith found an application that helped him learn Galran, which Keith considered useful. Although Keith missed actual books, it would have to do. That's where he was at this night.

"Hunk, your capabilities with the Food Goo have exponentially improved," Allura commented over supper. The team was all at the table eating their third meal. Hunk had been experimenting with different substances and food preparation machines they found on different planets. Occasionally, they would collect herbs and fruits from Alien planets after the Alteans had said their human stomachs could handle it. Hunk had been spearheading the cooking recently. Keith knew it was something Hunk liked to do but also it was a stress reliever. Hunk swallowed his worries similarly to Keith; there were two main differences between the boys. Firstly Keith was known for being more private whereas Hunk was open. More upbeat. The second was that Hunk was hiding his pain and upset behind a joyful personality where Keith hid it behind a wall of ego and protection. Keith made sure to comment how good the food was when he knew Hunk worked hard on it.

Pidge and Hunk worked on modifying the kitchen. Pidge fixed things and did work when they were stressed. Keith had no clue where Pidge got the various math and science problems he had caught them solving, typically late at night. Unlike Keith, Pidge fell asleep at an okay hour. Shiro was dealing with his emotions healthily; he de-stressed by going to train. Sometimes alone, sometimes he would ask the team members if they wanted to come along. Coran was good from Keith's knowledge. Albeit weird, Coran seemed to be handling his responsibility as a manager of sorts well. Keith wasn't sure how Allura took out her stress, as he had never caught her doing anything other than reading on their break times. Lance was fine. Keith didn't detect any pain behind his humor. Even when Hunk was feeling down, Lance would attempt at cheering them up.

Hunk smiled proudly after swallowing a spoonful. "Thank you! I added this purple herb and some sauce from the last planet we were at."

"Thanks Hunk for all your hard work on the food," Lance said sincerely, though a mouth of goo. Keith suppressed a chuckle. "It tastes similar to human food."

"I was worried I used too much of the plant we found on that water planet, but now that I'm tasting it…" Hunk trailed off as he continued hounding down on his meal.

"So, Pidge," Allura said "Did you and Hunk fix the Cryopods?"

On the last planet they visited, they had come in contact with some Galran soldiers and hostile followers from the planet. The Paladins were all out, leaving Coran and Allura inside alone. A group had come in. The two Alteans were able to fend them off, thankfully. But there had been damages. Coran had a deep gash on his arm, which he ran to the pods for. The enemies had followed him and sabotaged them. They left them in one piece, but a few wires and tubings were cut or destroyed. Pidge and Hunk worked on fixing them the rest of the day and for the days following the attack. The planet's generals apologized and gave them aid but it wasn't great.

"We have all except one up and running," Pidge reported. Keith noticed Lance show a suspicious amount of interest. "The last one we will be tackling tomorrow."

"Excellent," Allura said. Her wrist was sore, possibly broken. "Coran and I shall use two after supper. You all deserve a break after that attack, and tonight there is no threat." She turned to Keith, who has quietly eating and not making eye contact.

"Keith, how are you feeling?"

During the attack, Keith had been banged up from his lion colliding with things. He said he was ok, just needed to sleep things off; he suppressed a chuckle at his wording because if the night was similar to the past many (Keith had lost count), he knew that he would be walking it off instead. He had a few bruises but nothing he would go to the cryopods for. Allura seemed to accept his answer, and they all finished up their food. They all left to go do their various activities to relax.

Keith went to the library to return a few books to trade out. His reading was not a secret; Keith would see Pidge and/or Shiro, all looking for interesting books to read. Pidge was interested in learning alien languages, and Shiro was there to release stress. The others read but not as avidly as the trio. Keith found himself alone this round. He got onto the mini elevator contraption that lifted him up to the shelves. He placed the books in their proper places, his hand going through the particle barrier that kept the books in place. He grabbed four more books; a science fiction, romance, language, and religious book. The last one had been out of pure curiosity, it was from another planet.

Keith had lost track of time while he had read. He looked at the Castle time, put in place so the humans could keep their sleeping schedules regular. He checked the time, 1AM; it wasn't bad for him, but was later than he thought it was. Keith decided to stretch his legs and do some training, since he hadn't showered yet. Laps around the castle. He knew that most of his compatriots would be asleep in their rooms where they couldn't hear him. Keith liked training in the quiet of the night because he could think clearly, uninterrupted, in peace. He could let his mind wonder.

One thing that had been nagging at Keith was a certain Latino Paladin. Keith was always competitive, he always had to be as close to perfect as a person could get. He needed to be, especially now with everything at stake. He didn't have the time to think out his feelings and the origins of them. Except for now, when his brain would not allow him escape.

Keith knew Lance from the Garrison; he had started to love him was some time between the two boys becoming Paladins and now. His affection for the boy had been like an intoxicating, addictable poison. It seeped through him slowly and went unnoticed at first. Was it the way Lance laughed? The way he has never said anything bad about a member of Voltron? How he gives so much effort into everything he does? Keith knew Lance wasn't perfect, but Lance didn't need to be. He didn't care about perfection, as long as something was accomplished. Lance wanted to do the right thing, always. Lance also was open about expressing his feelings. Not in an attention seeking, over-dramatic way, but in a humble way. Despite being unhealthy, Lance would put others needs before his own. Keith liked that Lance was an open book but with bonus content if you are close enough to him. Lance was beautiful, inside and out. And Keith was so in love.

He couldn't express it though. Keith figured it might compromise the mission. How was he to save a village if it put Lance in danger? Keith obviously knew that he would have to choose the village but it would break him. If Lance did reciprocate those feelings, if he could really love Keith for him, then how could Keith let that go without having every single part of his being shatter?

Keith was on his third lap of the castle when his thoughts were interrupted. He was jogging past the room hallways that led to the cryopods. He heard a noise, a whimper almost. Heavy breathing. Muttering. Keith wiped the sweat off of his forehead and sneakily followed the noise. He followed it all the way to the room containing the cryopods. He saw a figure in the room, through the door. Keith opened the door slightly ajar and peered inside. He recognized the back. The hair, the pajamas. Lance was there, hunched over, back towards the door. He was trembling faintly. Keith kept silent.

"I'm sorry mother," there was a pause, a hiss from Lance. He kept listing different people, pausing and hissing or gasping almost inaudibly. Then Lance's breaths had changed; they were shorter. Keith realized Lance was crying. The sobbing boy sunk to the floor, still focused something that was obstructed from Keith's view. He didn't know Keith was there. Keith listened closely to the Latino boy. He was speaking in Spanish now.

" _Solo quiero que el dolor pare… Solo quiero que el dolor pare…. Solo quiero que el dolor pare…"_ He kept muttering until a sob raked through his body. " _Soy un fracaso. La persona más débil. ¿Por qué no puedo ser perfecto?_ "

Keith could hear the pain in his crush's voice. While not the best with expressing emotions, Keith found that he had a knack for helping other people figure out theirs through just talking to them. Keith decided to approach Lance. He stepped, somewhat hesitant, through the passageway.

"Lance?" Keith said softly. He didn't respond, couldn't hear Keith through the sobs and the focus. Keith repeated the boy's name slightly louder. Lance wiped his eyes and seemed to straighten up. He kept facing the way he was.

"Keith?" Lance croaked. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing," Keith retorted.

"Oh, um…. I couldn't sleep so I, uh, decided to go for a walk," Lance bumbled out.

"Is that why you were crying just now? Lance, what's wrong?"

Lance looked back to Keith. His beautiful eyes were bloodshot red from crying. His face glistened from the dampness that was currently there. He was trembling. Keeping his arm out of view.

"Nothing Keith… I don't want to talk about it."

Lance didn't want to talk about how broken he was. If Keith saw how much of a shitshow he was, Keith surely would not find that attractive. He would be terrified of Lance. Besides, it wasn't any of Keith's business. Keith was straight; he could never be with Keith. That thought almost made him continue his work, but he realized he still had an audience. Keith hadn't left.

"Lance, I heard you literally whimpering. And speaking in Spanish, which you only do when you are feeling intense emotions. Excited, happy, angry, and apparently sadness. I could tell by the tone of your voice."

It may be in a different language but everyone hurts in the same tone of voice. Keith took a step towards Lance, but the Blue Paladin just scooched away, drawing himself inward. Keith noticed he was cradling his left arm.

"Lance, what are you hiding from me?" Keith was worried now. Lance was obviously in a vulnerable state, he didn't want to say the wrong thing.

"NO… Don't…" Lance screeched. Keith walked over to Lance who, in a last attempt, went into the fetal position, tears burning his eyes. No one could know how broken he was. Keith thought about what to do. He could try to force Lance to uncurl himself and show him his secret. He could try to get Lance to talk. He could lay down next to his friend and crush. He could leave him to his own devices.

Not the last one. Never the last one.

Keith's joints cracked as he got into a plank position on the ground next to where Lance was.

"What are you doing?" Lance asked.

"Planking. You?"

Lance sighed. " _Jesus jodido cristo Keith_. No, what are you doing."

"I'm staying here until you talk to me about what's bugging you."

Lance chuckled but there was still sadness to it.

"You can't possibly be able to do that long enough for me to crack and tell you."

"You can't possibly be denying how good of a plank person I am. I will stop planking when you start talking about your feelings" Keith retorted with a smirk. Right, he wasn't supposed to get rude or sly with Lance.

There was silence for a few minutes before Lance finally spoke again. He had watched Keith plank the whole time through his tears. He sighed, big and heavy.

"Fine, now will you stop planking you weirdo!" Lance exclaimed. Keith just looked at Lance, causing the boy to groan. "I've been lonely."

Keith came down from his position and stretched as Lance spoke.

"I miss my cousins. My mom, my dad, my siblings. I even miss the Garrison. I miss being familiar with the landscape and the people. Now that we have been flying around, there hasn't been much stability to keep my mental illnesses at bay." Lance paused after realizing what he just said. In the pause Keith wrapped his head around what Lance had just said. Lance swore in Spanish.

"Did you want to tell me about those or keep talking. You haven't exactly revealed what you were doing."

"I'll, ugh, keep going. You'll figure it out…"

Keith just loved how vague Lance was being (sarcasm).

"I keep thinking," Lance continued, "about how every time we go out for a mission or fight, I could mess up. I could not be where I am needed, be too late to do something. And my shittiness causes one of you, or a whole planet, potentially the whole universe to lose against the Galra. The weight of that.. I feel it all the time. If one of you died because I couldn't hold my weight-" Lance was racked with a fury of sobs. Keith asked permission to physically comfort Lance and he nodded. Keith pulled, rather awkwardly, Lance into a hug.

"I think about how I'm the worst Paladin. Everyone dismisses me as just this flirt who trips and never gets the person. I always mess up. I don't deserve to be a Paladin."

Keith was going to object but Lance interrupted him.

"That's why I do what I am doing tonight.."

Lance pushed Keith away. The two boys both sat up, Lance strategically moving so that Keith couldn't see what he had done.

"You can't tell anyone. They would just think I'm broken. I know Hunk, Shiro, and Pidge would be heartbroken. I'm not sure if Allura and Coran even know what Depression is…"

Keith remembered reading a book on diseases, diagnoses, and ailments from the Altean prominent culture. He couldn't remember about whether he had read any equivalent to depression.

"Anyways, unless any of you do this, you won't understand…"

That's when Lance revealed his arm. In his right hand was a miniature knife from the training room that was tainted red, with a fresh coat of red liquid. On his left arm were long, slim scars starting at about two inches away from his wrist, and they continued under Lance's t-shirt. There were new cuts closer to his wrist.

Keith felt his stomach drop. His immediate reaction was to grab supplies to wrap Lance's arm, but he didn't feel comfortable leaving Lance's side right now, not after he had just been vulnerable. Keith took off his shirt, a plain grey long-sleeve. Lance protested slightly, but Keith was stronger than him. He snatched the knife out of Lance's hand and threw it to the opposite side of the room. Once that was done, he grabbed some supplies from the closet. Lance hisses as Keith poured the Altean version of antiseptic onto the wounds. He was in such a rush he didn't grab any bandages and so used his shirt.

Despite Lance literally explaining why he did this to himself, Keith was confused as to why. He knew Lance felt emotions deeper than most of the team, but he appeared to be fine. Lance was always okay in the end. But apparently not. He had been sad, empty. Lonely. Keith wanted to make it go away if he could.

Keith tried to think about past behaviors that could have predicted this, or hinted at it. Lance had been wearing long sleeves more often. He didn't come swimming with them on the planet where they stopped for a beach day. He excused it as not wanting to find out what exactly was in the water, and wanting to talk (flirt) with the locals. Some days Lance skipped training; Hunk typically reported Lance to be ill and staying on bed rest. Hunk probably knew about the depression but not the harming aspect, Keith figured.

"You probably think I'm hideous, weak. That I don't deserve to be a Paladin."

Keith was glad Lance had told him, albeit not the best circumstances, because he could now try and help him in any way he could.

"Lance," Keith whispered, scared to speak any louder out of fear another team member suddenly had insomnia as well and decided to take a stroll to the cryopod rooms.

"I'm not sure if this will help, but… I know I come off as harsh, both here and when we were at the Garrison, but it was because I saw a lot of potential in you. You were, and are, excelling at everything you put your mind to. I have always envied you for your shooting skills. And the way you are able to talk to people with ease. Charm them, speak them into peace or away from rage. I wish I was able to just talk to people the way you can. You are so smart Lance. I value you and your opinion, even though I may not always show it. I value it more than Shiro. I won't go as far to say more than Hunk, but it's up there."

Keith took a breath, thinking of what to say next. Keith had tears running down his face, as did Lance. The Latino's face was downcast, however, avoiding Keith's gaze. He did notice, however, that Lance had an inkling of a smile at certain parts during his spiel. That gave Keith the words.

"As for messing up, I would say some cheesy shit that everyone says but I know that won't help. And I don't know how to help that, other than if you do mess up in some way that makes you feel bad, I will always be willing to help you make things right. We are under a huge amount of stress. There are a lot of people and aliens and creatures counting on us. And your brain is making you carry more of a burden by making you worry yourself to the point of crisis. I can't imagine what that must be like. But this isn't good for you Lance. _Please-_ "

Keith knew he wanted Lance to stop this, stop hurting himself when he didn't deserve it, but how could he say that? How could he ask Lance to stop, like it was a switch he could turn off? Lance couldn't just 'think positive'; that isn't how depression works.

He worried that he upset Lance, or made the situation worse.

And then it cr Keith. Lance wasn't able to control his pain, the stuff inside him causing the horrid storms. He couldn't control everything that was happening on the outside, all the things that were causing him, and others, pain. So he controlled it himself. He couldn't always fight back. He could lash out on himself instead of the world around him.

"I'm sorry…" Lance whispered, mouth quivering, hands shaking. "It's just, sometimes I can't control it. There are times I don't even realized what I'm doing, or I do but it's somehow not the same… It's hard to explain."

Keith reassured Lance that if he wanted to try explaining further, he could, but if he wanted to end the thought there, it was ok too. Lance pondered it through tears.

"It's like a fog. Or I am a passenger in a car. I could take over and go off course, but instead I passively go along for the ride."

That made more sense to Keith.

"I'm really glad you showed me and talked to me. Now I can help you."

Lance's eyes widened. "You would do that?"

"Of course," Keith leaned in close and gave him a peck on the forehead. "Can't have our sharpshooter dealing with his shit on his own."

Lance's little chuckle made butterflies explode in Keith's stomach. He realized what he just did and his face burned.

"Oh my god I am so sorry-"

"It's ok, Keith. I didn't mind."

"Wait, really?"

Lance cleared his face using Keith's shirt on his arm. Keith's face deepened in it's red pigment when he was reminded of the fact he was shirtless. In front of Lance, no less.

Lance figured, Keith already knew about his deepest secrets know, might as well give him a full disclosure.

"I'm Bisexual, Keith. Maybe Pansexual, I don't know. I'm attracted to aliens, men, women… I don't really know how it identify right now, since gender isn't the the same in space as earth. I just know there are some VERY attractive aliens."

Keith chuckled at that. He knew Lance flirted with many different people/aliens while out and about. He just didn't think Lance would like to be kissed by Keith.

"I'm gay," Keith sputtered out. They sat in awkward silence for a few minutes.

"Do you like me, Keith?" Lance said.

"Yes," Keith said a beat later.

"Can I kiss you?" Lance asked. Keith nodded and soon he was being straddled by his crush. Their kiss was awkward at first but once they got into a good rhythm, they both forgot what not-kissing felt like. Keith and Lance wiped each other's wet faces. They parted after what seemed like hours but was only minutes. Lance sat next to Keith, who sat up.

"I suppose I should, uh, do what I came to do," Lance said through a yawn.

"What would that be?" Keith asked, surprised when he too yawned. He brushed it off as catching it from Lance. He couldn't possibly be tired.

"When I, uh, do bad stuff… I typically come here to get healed so that the team doesn't notice. They don't heal all the way but it is enough that you all haven't noticed the scars… It only takes a few minutes."

Keith helped Lance unwrap the makeshift bandage from his arm. Lance took off his shirt, as to not get blood on it. Lance was about to step into the working cryopod, when he turned to Keith.

"Will you, uh, wait until I'm done? I don't trust myself to be alone tonight and I would like it-"

"If I slept with you?" Keith cut him off and finished the sentence.

"Yeah," Lance said softly.

"Not in the sexual way of course-"

"Keith!"

The mullet lad smirked.

"I'll wait," he said softly.

Watching Lance go unconscious was weird for Keith. He fidgeted around a bit before finding something to do. He cleaned up the blood from the floor, disposed of the knife, and left briefly to change his shirt. Lance was still inside the pod when Keith returned. Keith examined the room while waiting while his thoughts raced, analyzing the preceding events.

He was excited that Lance liked him back. He was thrilled about kissing Lance. The only issue with the situation, Keith knew, was that Lance was forced to tell him a secret he might have not wanted to tell him. Keith pondered the line between consensual and coerced disclosure.

He noticed in the room that while the cryopods were there, they weren't the only tools in the room to heal people. There were cabinets in the walls, filled with bandages, tapes, medical supplies from Earth and other places (Keith could tell by the labels). And, most importantly, there was medicine. However, the cabinet to the medicine was different than the rest. When Keith opened the door, there was a particle barrier in front of the jars/vials. When he put his hand in to pickup a vial, he couldn't go past the barrier. If there was an antidepressant in there…

The loud hissing sound of the cryopod opening causes Keith to tense and jump. He whipped around and went to Lance's aid. The boy flopped onto the ground, conscious, but very woozy. Keith helped get Lance to a standing position. He checked the sleepy boy's arm and saw the white lines. He was glad the cryopods worked but was sad about why Lance had to use it.

With an arm around each other, the two boys trudged to Lance's room. Keith tucked Lance into his bed. Keith was about to leave.

"Hey," Lance groggily said.

"Yeah?"

"You promised to sleep with me," Lance reminded Keith.

"Right."

Keith took longer than the average person to find a comfy spot with Lance. The other boy became fed up with Keith and pulled him down. Lance brought the blankets up over the two of them, both boys on their backs. Keith fell asleep almost instantly.

The next morning, Keith was the first one awake. He first noticed that he wasn't in his own room; he could tell by the color and the smell. Second that there was a weird weight on him. He turned and realized he was the little spoon. Lance's little spoon. Third was the white lines on the arm hugging him. The memories of last night came back and Keith felt mixed emotions. He turned towards Lance, careful not to wake him. He pulled Lance in close to an embrace.

While he didn't like Lance's harming, he knew that it was a part of Lance that Keith could not control. Simply getting into the relationship wasn't going to stop the activity. But Keith promised to be there for Lance, to take care of him when he could, to focus on the reason behind the behavior and mend that. He promised to show Lance how beautiful, smart, and wonderful Keith saw him.

 **A/N: Hi! Thank you so much for reading this oneshot. HUGE shoutout to LarryLashton98 for helping me make decisions/suggesting things for this. Definitely check out their work :)**

 **I don't know why but Insomnia!Keith has been an interest of mine, especially writing about him finding out about various things in the night. If this interests you, check out my other fic Slip. It's Klance and Insomnia!Keith.**

 **Please let me know if you want me to write more for this plot/idea**


End file.
